sometimes it can't be fixed

today my mom came upstairs crying. this is never a good sign, and with seemingly everyone in my family's health steadily decreasing, i brace myself and prepare for the worst. in the past few years we've known several people that have died, and consequently i've come to expect certain people to die. it's bound to happen sooner rather than later in a lot of circumstances.

today my mom announced that my cousin's husband jeff committed suicide. i won't go into details other than he was in the hospital when it happened. Jeff, was one of those guy's guys. he liked hunting, and fourwheeling, wrestling with his dogs, those sorts of things. he lost his leg years ago in a work related accident, this handicap didn't keep him from doing much. he still went swimming, hiking, whatever, he did it.

you could talk to him with immense ease. i had no idea that this was coming, i knew they were having marital problems, but suicidal, that's a bit much.

what's worse is who he's left behind. his five year old son may have been able to deal with divorce, but knowing that your father committed suicide, not having your dad, well that 's completely different. he's destined to go through years of therapy, while death is always upsetting, i can't help but be a bit frustrated with jeff's actions.

i think everyone has shitty days, days where se can't seem to think of anything right, days when we feel like we're in a slump, permanately. sometimes this lasts days, week, months, maybe even years, but things always look up. even for one day, at least there was that day, and while shitty sucks, a day like that is worth sticking around for another. what if there isn't another? don't be ridiculous, there's always another, peaks and valleys exist, we're here to experience the ride.

i myself have thought about suicide. mostly while i'm driving. i'll think about what would happen if i sped up and drove against traffic, route one would be so easy. and then i think about all the people i'd be leaving behind, all the people that could potentially be injured in that situation if not killed and all the people they'd leave behind. suicide is selfish, possibly the most selfish action of them all. i believe in mental illness, but i also believe in treatment, and therapy, and outlets.

my mom was worried about his soul; where he's going. in the mormon faith, this action would basically mean hell. i don't think he's going to hell. and i don't think that god makes people suffer for all eternity for what they did on earth. i do believe however that the afterlife can be whatever we want it to be, and that our personality remains the same. if you're feeling guilty about something you did in this life in the afterlife, then you'll feel that guilt, but not forever, and one can only hope that the next life is better than this one. hope is the essance of life, without it there's nothing. i suppose jeff lost all hope. hope keeps us going. i hope that those he left behind can keep it.