The Abridged Version

HI!HI!HI!HI!HI!HI!HI!HI!

I have been away for much too long. Mostly because the past thirty days popped my bubble and then shook the bubble batter and then spilled it all over my favorite dress.

Perhaps a simpler way of saying this would be that the universe took a giant shit on me.

Or, it just kept throwing punches at me and each time I got up, I was right back down.

You get the point (and probably got it after the first metaphor).

In the past month my leasing company terminated my lease which then left me to find a new place to live in a matter of three weeks to avoid paying rent for the month of June. Then classes started. And I had to work. And I went to San Francisco because I had planned that trip well before any of this happened (I had a great time and will write about it later). Oh, and while I was in San Francisco the left side of my head started hurting as a result of an infection in one of wisdom teeth. Then when I got back I missed my first day of classes due to my dentist appointment, and then had my wisdom teeth out and had to move the following weekend - Memorial day weekend, the weekend that NO ONE was in town to help. And amidst the move I lost my computer because someone (Dad!) told someone else to put it under the seat of the Uhaul, but no one thought to tell me and I thought it was in my Dad's mini-van and then well, whatever, I got it back. And then the week after living in my new apartment and getting relatively settled, I dropped a box of stuff off at a thrift store and thought I'd look around for a new couch. I was in for twenty minutes and when I came out someone had left a huge dent in my rear bumper and broken the left side's lights, but there wasn't any plastic on the ground, weird. Like, they cleaned it up or something and didn't leave a note. My car was already shitty, but I liked that it didn't have any defining features. Ugh.

Anyway, all of that happened. And now I am driving my new roommate nuts with all my organizing and rearranging and insisting that our apartment look like two adults live here. Though, I do recognize the fact that most people, regardless of their age, do not care about cleanliness and neatness and orderliness as much as I do. I keep moving things to logical locations that allow all the space to be used as efficiently as I know how, and he keeps asking me where it went. His laffy taffy? On the top shelf of the pantry with all his other junk food - but really that makes up at least half of his diet. It's bizarre. And he is Vegan. And he does not cook or really eat vegetables, unless french fries and potato chips count. His diet aside, he is wonderful, mostly because he is putting up with my neuroses better than most. And he has a full-time job, and responsibility and dogs, and these are things that do not frustrate me, because it means he has a real life, with little free time, unlike my roommates of past. I love both of those girls, but it's kind of irritating living with someone who is unemployed and perfectly content with that because they're full-time students. How anyone is okay with being jobless is beyond me. How anyone has so much unstructured time and doesn't feel compelled to fill it with cooking and cleaning and organizing is also beyond me.

I would make an incredible assistant or secretary or lifecoach. Also, I pull of the hot-secretary look very well.

Also, yes, I live with a boy. My parents are understandably upset and have yet to meet him. He is straight-edge though, and that is something I had to explain to them, and after understanding that he does not drink alcohol they approved, sort of. Still, what are they supposed to tell people!? Nothing, because it isn't anyone's business. And by anyone, I mean everyone at their church that I can't stand - i.e. a lot of stay-at-home-moms who talk too much. HI, CHURCHLADIES!

My apartment will hopefully be done with all the rearranging and storing of excess things in the attic by the end of this week. I hope.

Eviction Pt. 2

Today, Anthea and I made our way down to our leasing office to ask what "non-remediable" offense we done. We waited for about half an hour before the leasing agent showed up to talk to us. And then, we weren't even invited back into the office, he just leaned across the receptionist's counter.

Me: Can you explain this to us?
Him: We want you out in thirty days.
Me: Yeah, got that part, but what did we do that went against the lease?
Him: You brought a dead rodent into the leasing office and told a couple not to rent with us. It's bad for business, and not matter how many times you say you're sorry, it's still non-remediable.
Me: Uh. Huh. Okay, but you didn't state that in the letter.
Him: Look, you can take us to court and this will turn into a long, drawn out process, or you can just move out.
Me: Will we be getting out deposits back?
Him: We will still sent someone over for a move-out inspection, so unless you trash the place, there shouldn't be a problem.
Me: That's all we wanted to know.



We don't really care that their reasoning for kicking us out isn't kosher, because I mean, we hate it here - especially during the renovations. If we cared to stay here we could probably take them to court, but we really just want our money back. And will wait until we have it back before we obnoxiously spread the word of how terrible they are. If I had known getting our of my lease was this easy, I would have found a dead mouse and used it to this advantage months ago.

We will be filing formal complaints with both the Better Business Bureau and the Health Department. And if I find anymore mice in my apartment, I'm going to take them to the leasing office again. Also the leasing agent is such a prick, he was so snide. How can anyone maintain any level of dignity and work for such a corrupt company?

Eviction Pt. 1

This evening after work I came home to the Mormon magazines my dad has mailed to me and an envelope from my leasing company. Inside the envelope I was anticipating another memo regarding the renovations, but instead was a notice that read:

Dear Tenants,

This letter is to inform you that effective today, May 5, 2010, we are sending you a 30-Day Least Termination notice, per Section 21-D. You must vacate the apartment effective June 5, 2010.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact our office. Thank you.
Section 21-D reads:

Non-remediable Violations. If Tentants(s) commit material noncompliance which is not remediable, Landlord may serve on Tenant(s) a termination notice stating that the Lease Agreement will terminate in thirty (30) days for the reasons stated terein without allowing Tenants(s) an opportunity to remedy such breach. If a breach of Tenant(s)' obligations under the Virginia law, or the Lease agreement, involves or constitutes a criminal or willful act, which is not remdiable and which poses a threat to health or safety, Landlord may terminate the Lease Agreement immediately by giving of and appropriate written notice.
Please note that in the letter they did not mention what I was being evicted for. This entire week has been so surreal - like something from a crappy comedy about a single woman who keeps running into problems in the new city and is looking for a better life, but needs to learn to appreciate the life she has and takes down a company along the way to discovering herself. I mean, they have no reasonable explanation for my eviction. I have only paid my rent late once, and that was because I thought I had three business days, but it's actually three regular days and I paid the fee and everything was taken care of that day. As far as I know, no one has ever complained about me and until this week I haven't had excessive problems with my appliances and despite the roach infestation, I can't complain.

In the last year I have learned way too much about roaches. And I have found that a 3:1 ratio or boric acid to cocoa works really well for getting rid of the vermin. Also, there are a lot of species and at least five of those live in my building. I could work at one of those bug zoos - also, I have the appropriate shorts for such a job. They are khaki and I wear them all the time.

I have wanted out of my least pretty much since I moved in and now they are kinda, sorta, doing me a favor by "terminating my lease" only five days after I give them my 90 days notice. So to get this straight:

-My roommate and I gave them the required notice to discontinue our lease.

-I called and visited the leasing office repeatedly this week to resolve various issues that resulted from renovations, nothing that I did.

- Received a letter kicking me out without an explanation.

I spent a great deal of time tonight looking up reviews of the company and most of which were negative, and the positive ones were so obviously not real it was pathetic. I then moved to the Better Business Bureau and found that this particular company was graded an F and there were 56 complaints filed in the past 36 months.

Yeah, I'm going to be spending a good portion of Monday in the leasing office waiting to talk to either the manager or the owners of the company. And I will be moving out by June fifth, and I will be taking them to court. And I will win.

Renovations Pt. 3

I am losing my mind.

I am honestly going to commit some sort of crime that will be excused because of my insanity.

The renovations have done nothing but inconvenience my life.

So, since they've started, everything that could go wrong went wrong this week:

1. The AC broke
2. Dead mouse
3. Broken window
4. BROKEN REFRIGERATOR.

Mind you, there was nothing wrong with my apartment before, except for the occasional brown bug - but I can deal and have dealt for a year. I understand that my leasing company is out to make money, and part of that means getting tax deductions for "renovating" hundreds of apartments. This week though, this week has been a complete nightmare.

And then there's that whole starving student thing. I had enough food to hold me over until I get paid on Tuesday, but with the exception of the vodka and thinmints, everything else in the fridge and freezer was thrown away. For dinner last night I made guacamole and had my friend bring chips. And today my coworker bought me lunch, so I'll pay her back.

My parents have done renovations to their house while I was growing up. And never in my life were things this stressful. I have had strange men, most of whom have bad teeth (I have a thing about teeth, I have a difficult time trusting people with gaps) and I had no say in the times they work in my apartment. So, unless I've had class or been at work, I have been sitting on my couch because I'm paranoid that one of these dudes will raid my vinyl collection and I'll have to buy it back on Ebay. Or steal my laptop, but even that has been with me most of the time, just because of this reason. It's not with me today, and I'm worrying about it. Luckily my roommate is home, so it should be fine.

But I don't have any real food except for maybe some french-cut green beans and rice. I can't even make a grilled cheese sandwich. It is Friday though, I don't really need anything except vodka and thinmints anyway.

Renovations Pt. 2: I want my old Apartment back

This past Sunday I woke up to an apartment that was 88 degrees. Inside. It was hotter in my apartment than it was outside. And this was after they installed the new AC units. I wasn't home most of Sunday and my leasing company's office isn't open on Sunday, so I waited until Monday to call and complain. Apparently my apartment is not the only one with this issue, and apparently my leasing company doesn't care enough to check out who they hire, because the dude that installed mine and about three other units (not Ed) wasn't certified or something. AWESOME! So Anthea and I have had the front and back doors open for most of the time we've been home since this weekend.

I really wouldn't care that much about how hot it is if I could just hang out naked in my apartment, but I can't. There have been random dudes in and out of my apartment every day this week. And I am just not that open. So, I've been dealing with the heat, and the random dudes.

Monday we were told that we should go ahead and clean out all the cabinets because they were going to be replaced on Tuesday as well as all the appliances in the kitchen. Then we got told that we were also going to have everything replaced in our bathroom the same day. At first, I was excited about this because it meant that I was going to be rid of all these dudes sooner.

Silly, me.

While I was cleaning out the cabinet under my kitchen sink, I found a dead mouse. This is the second dead mouse I have found in my apartment this month and the third mouse overall this month. This is not cool. I mean, I already have to deal with roaches. I don't need mice.

Aside: I do think that mice are cute, and they have been my favorite animal since I was a toddler and got a Fischer-Price stuffed animal Christmas mouse every year.

So, I put the mouse in a container and saved it. Tuesday, all the construction workers came into my apartment and sawed and drilled and generally made a mess, and after class I took the mouse down to the leasing office.

Me: I would like to speak with (the owner's of the leasing company who happen to live two blocks from me).
Bitchy Receptionist (who used to get her hair done at my salon): They aren't here.
Me: Yes, they are. Their car is parked outside. They drive that Lincoln SUV.
BR: That's none of your business.
Me: Well, I know they're here. If they aren't available, fine, but don't lie to me.
BR: They are unavailable.
Me: Well, I would like a maintenance request/complaint form.
(She brings me one)
Me: Can you make sure that they get this? (I pass her the container)
BR: Sure, what is it...Oh, what a cute, poor little fellow...
Me: You must not live in one of their properties.
BR: That is also none of your business.
Me: You wouldn't think it was cute if it was the third one you'd found in your apartment in a month.

When I got home, I pulled up right as a leasing agent and an interested couple were parting ways. I waited until the leasing agent was out of hearing range and word vomited all over that couple. I told them everything negative that I have experienced in the last year of living here. I'm pretty sure I talked them out of leasing with my company, at least I hope so. I wish I had been so lucky as to have someone tell me not to rent with them last year.

When I got inside I saw that they were done with the bathroom and kitchen, but nothing was really different. I mean, yeah, there were new things, but it isn't impacting my life in a positive way. This whole thing has been a headache. A huge, fucking headache - a migraine. My bathroom now has new everything, but it's exactly the same as the old stuff - still a white toilet, but one with a plastic seat instead of the heavier kind; still a pedestal sink; still a claw-foot tub, but this one has been re-varnished. The kitchen has a new fridge but it's still a 3/4 sized one and there wasn't anything wrong with the old one. We have a new stove, but instead of a drawer on the bottom of it, we have a broiler - so there's storage space lost. And the cabinets are new, but aren't as deep as the old ones, and they didn't replace the small cabinet/counter that used to be on the other side of our fridge, so where we used to have a place to store baking sheets, set our mixer and toaster, and had a drawer for utensils - we don't. So now I have to figure out where to put this stuff. I haven't tried the dish washer yet, the old one didn't work as well as I would have liked it to, and I've gotten used to hand washing dishes, so I probably won't use the new dish washer.

Do you have a headache? Because I do. That wasn't a metaphor. I really do have a headache.

Today they started working on our porch. And our specific part of the porch has had a huge hole over it since December. I have complained about it repeatedly since then and it has slowly grown larger. It started as three small holes last summer and finally the whole thing just fell through Sunday. So now I have strange dudes hanging out tearing down asbestos and lead infested paint and plaster - so I can't open my porch door. And to my delight, after I got home from a meeting today and had settled into my couch and computer when one of the panes of my porch door breaks. One of the workmen had bumped into it with a 2x4. I go out and ask about them fixing it. One, who did not do the breaking tells me that he'll do it within the hour.

He comes in and is picking out pieces of glass and stripping paint off pieces of wood and constantly pulling his shirt down because his fly is down. I pretended not to notice. Anyway, so we're talking and he's fixing my door and we're discussing the type of people that live in my building now versus when I moved in. AND apparently there are not only strippers above me, but also across the hall and a prostitute in #11! Apparently the prostitute was very unhappy with strange men coming in and out of her apartment...so she gave them half off.

They guy fixing my door said that he found this out from another worker who took her up on the deal! AGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Twenty-five dollars. TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! That's all she charged! I'm already hated by everyone in my building because I'm that bitch who asks them to be quiet at two in the morning on weekdays, so I was really considering asking her if it was true. I mean, I'm really curious. I want to know how she got to the point in her life where she will fuck the Mexican day-laborers for $25. Seriously? If you're going to sell yourself, don't be so cheap. And fuck businessmen, and charge them hundreds of dollars, if not thousands. Now, I don't have any experience in the sex trade, but I wouldn't fuck someone so cheaply. I would hang out in yuppie bars, find a really drunk one, go home with him, take all his cash and credit cards and be on my way - you know, take total advantage of the John. Or hotel bars, or something. I mean, hasn't she ever seen Secret Diary of a Call Girl?


(If you're Mormon, you probably shouldn't watch this, it's cause to speak with your bishop and go through the steps of repentance.)


Twenty. Five. Dollars. You charge more than $25 for that.

I don't care if it's not true, it's still the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

I mean, damn, I thought people paid more than that for head.

August cannot come fast enough.

Renovations Pt. 1

There are currently four dudes hanging out in my dining room replacing the furnace and A/C units. Which is awesome, but hugely inconvenient and uncomfortable. We have had maintenance issues before, mostly in the bathroom, and those maintenance guys have been great. One, Ed, and I saw each other so often last summer that I would just call him directly when there was a problem. It turned out that my upstairs neighbors were retarded and only put a liner on one side of their tub so the water that made it's way out the other side would collect and trickle down through the electric system and collect in the light in our bathroom. I finally asked them if I could see their bathroom to see if I could figure out what the deal was, and when I saw that, I politely asked them to get another liner for the other side of the tub. Stupidstupid girls.

Anyway, Ed. He got to the point where he would call me and vent. I think he started to think of me as a surrogate daughter or something. He was about my dad's age, and was also a Viet-Nam veteran and his contracting business had gone under with the recession so he started working for my leasing company to make ends meat.

While I was on vacation with my family I got a call from Ed's ex-wife asking for Rachel (or Anne?). Apparently Ed and his daughter were estranged and his ex saw the area code and thought that maybe my number was his daughter's. He died of heart failure. I wasn't able to make it to the funeral. No one has been as reliable or informed as he was.

The main guy working on the HVAC stuff reminds me of Ed, but is not quite as conversational. And the other dudes are all Hispanic and don't speak English well, and ogle me when I leave my room. This is only the beginning of the renovations for my apartment. They started renovations on all of the buildings on my block a couple months ago and the various plumbing and roofing trucks have been taking up all the space in the parking lot. It's now to the point where we can't park there at all. And supposedly we'll have all new appliances by the end of the month and a new tub (while I like the current claw-foot tub, it's not quite long enough for me to fully enjoy taking a bath) and sink in the bathroom.

I find it interesting that this is what my leasing company is "fixing" because the only complaints that I've had since moving in have been vermin related. Though, I've been pretty good at dealing with that problem on my own, it would be nice if the leasing company hired an exterminating company. Oh, and my neighbors. The ones across the hall and the ones upstairs are so loud, ALL THE TIME. I should not have the television on and still be able to hear my neighbors across the hall or outside. I'm pretty sure Richmond has no idea what common sense or common courtesy are.

I would gladly go without a new refrigerator and dishwasher if they just got rid of the bugs and replaced the plaster walls with sheet rock and put in double-paned windows. Really, people, you have no idea what a luxury double-paned windows are. With my luck everything will be done by the time I move out and I won't even get a chance to sort of enjoy it.