Friday, April 30, 2010

Dear Universe,

I would really appreciate it if you would quit teasing me. I mean, I'm a social person, I put myself out there. I mean, I put out. And I am fully capable of meeting the following type of boy:

Boys in cities other than the one that I live in
Boys in relationships
Boys that travel constantly
Boys that live with their parents
Boys that don't have cars
Boys that don't have jobs
Boys that like boys

But I would like to meet someone with the following:

A car, job and a home not shared with any family members. It's a plus if he lives by himself. One that has a job, but doesn't travel every other week. And a boy that is not at all involved with anyone else. AND LIVES IN RICHMOND. And one that likes girls and only girls - fine if he had that one experience freshman year, but he should have it all out of his system.

I know that seems like an impossible list, but surely there has to be someone like that in this godforsaken city. I mean, really. I didn't even get to physical preferences ( 6'+, not blond hair, and it would be nice if all of my clothing was too small for him). And it would be nice if her were into music, has some athletic ability, and bathes on a regular basis. If he enjoys bourbon, red wine and watching bad tv that would be nice too. I also like dudes who look good in jeans and suits and know when it is appropriate to kiss in public.

But above all, the single-straight-in-Richmond part it the most important. And maybe that bit about kissing. I'm usually against PDA, but I had a poster of "Kissing the War Goodbye" on my wall at my parent's house in high school. And I fell asleep wishing to be that nurse a lot of nights, and it's all so horribly pathetic and romantic, and I have been kissed like that exactly once. I want it to happen again.


Amanda Jewell Pittman

P.S. If this means I have to stop kissing in general for awhile, I could do that. I need to learn self-control anyway.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I go to shows to dance

I went to a concert last night. Not Phoenix, but Frightened Rabbit in DC because someone was kind enough to put me on the list. So, I get there during Maps and Atlases. And there are these three fat girls between me and the stage.

I was told that after I had lived in Richmond that I would become racist, that hasn't happened. I still think that people's economic situations are more relevant to their behavior than their race is. My only prejudice is against fat people. This is not to be confused with overweight people.

Overweight people are your friends, they don't suck at life, they dance at shows and they dress well. Fat people, are the opposite. I mean, would you call anyone that you like fat? No, because it's a mean thing to say. And I know I'm being mean right now.

Anyway, I am the biggest Frightened Rabbit fan I know, that is not borderline stalker (Eric, I'm looking at you). I saw them for the first time backstage at the Black Cat two years ago and fell in love. And I for some reason have not bought a ticket to see them ever, that first show I was reviewing (because Oxford Collapse was also playing) and then when they played Inauguration weekend I, like the show last night, wasn't anticipating a sell out, and talked my way in. Anyway, they were incredible last night, and the fat girls in front of me kept complaining about my dancing and screaming.

Dude. Really. We're at a fucking show. Manners don't exist and if I haphazardly run into you, I'm not sorry, because we're at a show and you should be moving too. These three chicks occasionally moved their heads, but mostly made me hate them more each time one of them took a turn to go get drinks and another would give me a look and say "my friend is coming back" or "my friend is back." It's a general admission show! People move. Get over it.

Also, to my left was a couple that was obviously in high school. They didn't move either. And they only knew songs off The Winter of Mixed Drinks. And the girl kept looking at me like I was insane. I went to shows in high school and I danced my fucking brains out. I was that annoying girl in high school now I'm just that annoying dancing girl who's still not 21, when is she turning 21?

I also drank a redbull as soon as I got there, and I'm not someone who consumes caffeine very often. A redbull does to me what a couple lines would do to someone else. So, I was super "jumpy" as Eric said.

I didn't even push to the middle, I was already so close that I didn't need to push any further forward, but my friend is not as aggressive as I am at shows. I can only imagine what the fatties would have passive aggressively said not-so-under-their-breaths if I had done that.

I have been to shows where short people have said to me and whomever I was with that we were too tall to be in front of them. I would really liked to have said something along the lines of, "you are taking up too much horizontal space..." but somehow that's not yet socially acceptable. I could go on about fat people in other areas of life, but I'll save it for another post.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Cartwheel Fail!

"I'm running late. I may or may not have fallen..."

"You are too old to be scraping your knees."

"Drinking wine and then doing cartwheels is a bad idea."
"But I'm usually coordinated enough to do relatively simple, fun tasks on whims."

"Did you skin your knee?"
"And my hands."
"How did you do that?"
"I did a cartwheel that started on the grass and ended on the sidewalk."
"Was there alcohol involved?"

"Well I wasn't sure what was happening. One minute you were walking beside me, the next you were like, falling in slow motion, and I couldn't do anything at that point."

"My knee! Watch the knee!"

"How does my face look?"


There was this one time, not at all related to the above, where my sister thought it was a good idea to do a cartwheel on my bed and got her foot stuck in the wall. Unfortunately we have neither cartwheel incident on video, so I found this instead.

And this:

I hate running.

My ass is sore. I would ask someone for an ass massage, but I don't think that would go over very well, though I can think of a couple of people who would probably oblige.

I am not a runner. I hate running; probably more than any other thing that I have ever done. Sprint? Sure! Hike? Great! Walk? For hours! Run? No.

I grew up playing softball and volleyball. Neither sport requires long distance running, though I did have the occasional coach who thought it necessary to lead us on several mile runs after we lost a game (and for the record I hated her, and she was a terrible coach aside from those runs and she was no match for her predecessor). I also used to go to the gym when I lived with my parents. I can stay on an elliptical all day. But "running" a mile on the elliptical is not the same as running a mile outside. That machine totally lies. I used to go to the gym and do an hour on the elliptical before making my way around to the other machines, and it wasn't a problem.

I have been making an effort as of late to take better care of my body. I already eat fairly healthfully and stretch, and hula hooping (it totally counts as exercise). I went for an interval jog on Friday. I ran a block, walked a block down to a local lake then walked around the lake and ran/walked the way back. It was easier on the way back, so I did it again on Saturday. And, it totally kicked my ass. It doesn't help that I'm bad at breathing - that sounds stupid, I know, but really I think that I lack the lung capacity to breath correctly while running. This is something I really need to work on.

I have no intention to run a marathon or participate in any sort of race. I would just like to develop some level of endurance, of which I currently, apparently, have none.

On Sunday, instead of going for my walk/run I went for a walk with my very pregnant sister. She is six feet tall, and prior to her pregnancy her strides were something my 5'7" couldn't always keep up with. Sunday she kept telling me to slow down, something I'm used to hearing from my shorter, slow friends, but not from her, and I know it's wrong - she is pregnant, but this is probably the only time that I will ever be faster than her at anything. She, in addition to volleyball, played soccer and ran track, so whenever I've complained about running she has always had something to say.

I have no intention of paying for a gym membership, and as I said, the gym is totally fake. So, slowly, but steadily, I'll hopefully be able to develop a respectable running habit. Though, I'm totally going to stop if certain parts of my body start to shrink. I like my body as is, I would just like to be able to run a mile without falling over after.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Renovations Pt. 1

There are currently four dudes hanging out in my dining room replacing the furnace and A/C units. Which is awesome, but hugely inconvenient and uncomfortable. We have had maintenance issues before, mostly in the bathroom, and those maintenance guys have been great. One, Ed, and I saw each other so often last summer that I would just call him directly when there was a problem. It turned out that my upstairs neighbors were retarded and only put a liner on one side of their tub so the water that made it's way out the other side would collect and trickle down through the electric system and collect in the light in our bathroom. I finally asked them if I could see their bathroom to see if I could figure out what the deal was, and when I saw that, I politely asked them to get another liner for the other side of the tub. Stupidstupid girls.

Anyway, Ed. He got to the point where he would call me and vent. I think he started to think of me as a surrogate daughter or something. He was about my dad's age, and was also a Viet-Nam veteran and his contracting business had gone under with the recession so he started working for my leasing company to make ends meat.

While I was on vacation with my family I got a call from Ed's ex-wife asking for Rachel (or Anne?). Apparently Ed and his daughter were estranged and his ex saw the area code and thought that maybe my number was his daughter's. He died of heart failure. I wasn't able to make it to the funeral. No one has been as reliable or informed as he was.

The main guy working on the HVAC stuff reminds me of Ed, but is not quite as conversational. And the other dudes are all Hispanic and don't speak English well, and ogle me when I leave my room. This is only the beginning of the renovations for my apartment. They started renovations on all of the buildings on my block a couple months ago and the various plumbing and roofing trucks have been taking up all the space in the parking lot. It's now to the point where we can't park there at all. And supposedly we'll have all new appliances by the end of the month and a new tub (while I like the current claw-foot tub, it's not quite long enough for me to fully enjoy taking a bath) and sink in the bathroom.

I find it interesting that this is what my leasing company is "fixing" because the only complaints that I've had since moving in have been vermin related. Though, I've been pretty good at dealing with that problem on my own, it would be nice if the leasing company hired an exterminating company. Oh, and my neighbors. The ones across the hall and the ones upstairs are so loud, ALL THE TIME. I should not have the television on and still be able to hear my neighbors across the hall or outside. I'm pretty sure Richmond has no idea what common sense or common courtesy are.

I would gladly go without a new refrigerator and dishwasher if they just got rid of the bugs and replaced the plaster walls with sheet rock and put in double-paned windows. Really, people, you have no idea what a luxury double-paned windows are. With my luck everything will be done by the time I move out and I won't even get a chance to sort of enjoy it.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I think I can...

The semester is ending, summer is approaching, and I'm totally not having summer this year. I'm determined to just get this shit, i.e. school, over with. So, I'm taking sixteen credits. I'm already freaking out about next semester and I'm not even done with this one. AND I have ton of stuff left to do. Ugh. So this weekend, I had previously planned on driving to Chapel Hill to see Frightened Rabbit (because the DC date is sold out and I'm going to see Phoenix that day anyway). This is kind of a big deal. I once drove to Philly and back in one night to see a show. This isn't unusual behavior for music nerds, but to normal people who don't get pissed when their favorite band(s) don't play their city.

Anyway, my point is that I'm attempting to be studious and giving up something that I love (A LOT, I saw them three times at SXSW) in exchange for something incredibly boring.

I have two, not one, but TWO friends who are graduating a year early from college and going to grad school this fall. They will be 22 with master's degrees. And I'm totally throwing a pity-party, my apologies, but I wish that I was as motivated as they are regarding academia.

I really want a degree in something Mass. Comm. related, but am starting to think that if I could just power through (and perhaps develop an addiction to Adderall) and get a degree in English or PoliSci and then get a master's in another city in something Mass. Comm. related. It would be more economical. That's what I'm telling myself, for now.

Even if the people here are terrible drivers, and generally incompetent, I've made it this long, I can tough it out a while longer.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

On Being Christlike

My sister April and I are very similar in a lot of ways and quite opposite in others (politics, for example). Last night she came over and while we were downloading CD's to my computer to put on her ipod because her computer's disc drive is broken, we were Facebook stalking people(that we totally don't make fun of). YOU KNOW YOU DO IT TOO.

We are totally going to hell.

Anyway, upon seeing one picture:

(Someone thought that they were being creative. They thought wrong.)

Me: Do you see that?
April: The window treatment?
Me: Yes.
April: It's terrible.
Me: That's what they did at some church activity about living within your means.
April: Yeah, and the other roommates are too busy trying to be Christlike to tell them how bad it is.

We have given up on trying to be Christlike, I mean my sister is a Republican. And Christ was totally a Socialist (Hello bread and fish parable!). I'm a Libertarian, so I'm like halfassing the whole Christlike thing.

I apparently made one of my youth leaders cry after commenting on her dress. Another leader told me about it later. I would feel bad, but she totally dresses better now. Though, I have since learned to be more tactful. I think. I'm probably in denial about that.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Among Other Things

I had the following exchange Sunday morning. My friend who was crashing at my place is Jewish and had complained about his roommate who kept texting him Easter related things. He also made me watch part of some basketball game Saturday night. Apparently my lack of interest in televised sports is a character flaw.

Dude: Do you know what today is?
Me: The day Jesus rose from the grave?
Dude: No. It's the first day of baseball season.

I should probably start feigning interest in sports more. It's not that I don't like them, I do like them, I would just rather be watching them in person. I can only watch volleyball and figure skating on tv and sometimes Premier League Football (because of all the faux-Europeans I know in DC) and sometimes swimming, but that's only men's swimming. Have you ever met a male swimmer that was out of shape? Exactly.

And tonight I met with a classmate to work on our project for PoliSci. We had never really talked before and we ended up talking for awhile. He uses Linux. And is an only child. And knows a hell of a lot more about what's going on in Gaza right now than I do. Our project is about that particular conflict, more specifically Ehud Barak, but that's all beside the point. We were talking about parties in Richmond, or how loud the Fan is or something when this exchange happened:

Dude: My neighbor called the cops on me the other night
Me: That's odd, what for?
Dude: Acetone doesn't burn at a very high temperature......
Me: ...
Dude:'s not like gasoline...
Me: I have no idea what you are going on about.
Dude: I set this dude on fire..
Dude: Well not really him, but his pants.
Me: I can't tell if you're being serious or not.
Dude: It was acetone, he was fine, I've done it before.

Umm...hilarious? Awesome?

And then I went to see the Screaming Females and Antlers, but it was sold out. At Gallery 5. The place has a capacity of 150, but I have been there several times before and it has never had more than fifty people in attendance. People in Richmond never pay for shows unless it's something huge at The National. And even then, if it sells out before the day of it's because people from everywhere except for Richmond bought tickets after the show in their city sold out (think Spoon, Wilco, Morrissey, My Bloody Valentine, etc.). Anyway, bummer.

So I went to my sister's to pick up the remainder of my laundry that I had started at her house earlier today. And she, being with child, decided to read to me from all the check-lists and pamphlets her doctor had given her. She has decided to have a natural birth.

April: Ten centimeters? Why is that the magic number? I don't want to start pushing until eleven.
Me: Well, that's roughly five inches, and that's about the diameter of a baby's head.
April: No. Have you seen my head? My baby is going to have a big head.
Me: But what about your husband?
April: No, my head has always been big. Have you seen my baby pictures? My baby is going to have a big head.
April: Mom is going to want to be in the room.
Me: I thought you didn't want her there.
April: It's going to be your job to remove her when I get annoyed.
April: Having a kid is going to be so hard.
Me: Are you just now realizing this?
April: Yes. Do you want it?
Me: No. I am quite happy being childless at the moment.
April: Oh.
Me: Why did you want one?
April: I thought it would be fun.
Me: No way. It's going to be hard and terrible. But kids are the opportunity to put the best of yourself into the world.
April: That's true. Who told you that?
Me: No one. That's why I want to have kids, one day.

Everyone in my immediate family will be a parent by the end of this year except for me. Currently I don't want to have kids until I'm at least thirty. April keeps telling me that I'll change my mind in an effort to "catch up" with my siblings. This may end up being true. I am younger than all of them by at least eight years - my whole life has been an attempt to catch up with them. It hasn't mattered though. To them I will always be five, or at least the age they were when they moved out.

I also want to spend my twenties moving every couple years. I mean, I grew up in the same house for the first eighteen years of my life, I should see something different. The life I want, or have slightly planned in no way includes other people. I want to be out or Richmond by 2012, and hopefully move to Austin, but that as well as everything else is tentative. Maybe I'll move to Topeka and write about Westboro Baptist Church, or to Tombstone and be a tour guide at the OK Corral, or Montreal and learn Canadian French, or Stolkholm and form a Swedish-pop band, or to Sicily and drunkenly marry a beautiful man who doesn't speak English, or to Russia and drink lots of vodka and pretend to be Julie Christie in Dr. Zhivago, or to Fiji because I don't know anyone who has ever been there, or Iceland just to be the new girl.

Or anywhere and be Julie Christie. You should Netflix Billy Liar, especially if you're a Morrissey fan.

"She's crazy, she just enjoys herself."

Story of my life:

Four Days

I am a terrible roommate in that I am really particular about everything. I am getting better though, now I wait a couple of days before mentioning the dirty saucepan that may or may not still be on the stove. My roommate is a far better person than I am, but she doesn't notice anything. Ever.

This is why I'm a bad person: I sometimes will not do dishes or leave messes in hopes that she will notice.

This past weekend, I didn't do dishes for FOUR DAYS. And then, after FOUR DAYS, she complained to me that they were starting to smell. I did them. But the smell is still there. I have searched for rotting things, there were none to be found. The trash has been taken out. The smell is still there. She tried cleaning the disposal, and nothing.

I told my sister and she says that something has died in out plaster walls. I have several friends who have had this happen to them, and it wouldn't surprise me at all. Someone should just burn all these buildings down and start over. And then rebuild them exactly as they were, but you know, with modern materials. And double-paned windows. And multiple cabinets in the kitchen.