Wednesday, October 3, 2007

appropriate songs for commercials...

...should be heard on the radio, not OK Go, but after their MTV stunt, and songs on JCPenny's commercials, well they've sold out and that's sad.

And just now i heard Ingrid Michaelson's song "Take me the way I am" was on a Ross commercial. I find this very upsetting. I had such high hopes for her.

I'm a music snob, I am sorry. I really am, but selling out for clearance clothing! That, that is ridiculous.

Despite her outedness, i still hold the opinion that she is a great musician/vocalist and you should check her out.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

The love of my life

I've come to accept that I'm going to grow old, alone, and be the town's spinster who all the children's mom look at an say, "you don't want to grow up and be like her." I'm okay with this, seriously I am.

You see, I don't do relationships. This year my excuse is that it's my senior year, next year it'll be my freshman year, after that I'll be saying that "I'm still young, I've got time." And that will be me until I hit menopause and am old, grumpy, wrinkly, and wearing polyester suits that emphasize my saggy tits. OR, this is a big OR because the previous possibility is probably the most depressing thing I could imagine, but my other option is falling in love, and love isn't predictable nor does it happen when you want it to.

And so me being Amanda, I will unknowingly pass it up to pursue my plans. Or I'll be dating a guy, he'll pop the question and I "won't be ready" because it will be my first relationship lasting more than a couple months...since freshman year. I plan on having several moderately long term relationships before getting married, but unfortunately this ideal contradicts all of my excuses.

Fortunately for me I have D.C., the nation's capital, and after college when I inevitably come back here, I'll have the city that i find comfort in, that can fit all my moods, will love me in my jimjams and light my way as I walk home in last nights clothes. The upside is that in this situation I'll be working as a columnist for the Post (remember this is city Amanda, not to be confused with suburb-teaching Amanda), stay out late, go home and write about whatever it was that I did, saw, whatever. OR I could be lobbyist, this could work out very well. All these different things though, this is the beauty of the District, absolutely anything is possible.

Nownow, one might presume that everything is possible everywhere, this isn't true. You see the Post is in D.C. and I really can't think of anything else I'd like to write for except maybe a music mag, like Magnet, Spin, AP, or a news mag, Newsweek, Time, or of course a girlie mag, Cosmo, Elle, Glamour (where i'd write about dirty things and fashion, AHA! not really though, I'm not that shallow). But the Post is my first choice. And then of course lobbyists, they don't hang out in downtown Denver, or Phoenix, they may travel there, but it's all centered here. (nt. i would never have near the interest in politics that I do if I hadn't been raised here) We can't forget the music scene, sure it's not L.A., Portland, or NYC, but it's decent, and I love it, and all the kids doing they're thing who've lived here their whole lives.

I love those kids, but I don't want to be one of them. They're all stayed here, I want to take a break and come back. That's how true love is, I think. One knows their true love, but leaves them for better situations only to come back, right? or have I just watched to many romantic flicks? Probably both.

Monday, September 24, 2007

forty days

Amanda is going to be eighteen in forty days and there is nothing her parents can do about it. absolutely nothing.

this means that she will be crashing at your house when she doesn't have a car to get into DC. just a heads up for everyone who lives closer to the metro than she does.

this also means she will be seeing all of the following:
the thermals or maria taylor on her birthday (november third guys)
bright eyes
georgie james
ted leo and the pharmacists
and others that she can't think of right now, but there are more, a lot more.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Happy Endings

so i'm listening to Samson by regina spektor, and christina and i have talked about it before, but the more i listen to it, the more i think about how god has a plan for us, and while that may be true, what if we don't want it, what if we want something different? what if Samson didn't want the power he was given? what if he really loved delilah? what if he fell to the natural man, and knew it, and was okay with it? what's so wrong with the man god created anyway? i think i'm doing alright. and i'm okay with being "rebellious," and the bible not mentioning me, because right now, i have books in mind that i will be mentioned in that people will want to read. they may not be written by prophets, but whose to say that i'm not a prophet, making predictions based on my intuition, i'm very much a prophet of my life. and right now that's so important, because no one else can really be right about me if not me. and one day the world'll read about me and they'll realize that this, this ridiculous perception they have about what they're doing here, may be right if they believe it's right for them, and if they question it, then it's not, and that's okay. because in the end everything is okay, it's always okay, there's always an end, and even tragedies have happy endings.

samson - regina spektor

loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

[ Samson lyrics found on ]
Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
and kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
and he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall

Thursday, September 13, 2007

counting down the days

It's the second week of school and all I'm concerned about are what shows I'm going to see and how I'm going to pay for them, when I should be filling out college applications, writing essays, and basically figuring out what the beginning of the rest of my life is going to look like.

My schedule is as follows:

1 - OER (no class, I get to come in at 8:30)
2 - AP Gov't
4 - Oceanography
6 - AP English
3/5/7 - Cosmetology

It's nothing excessive, nothing painful, but then there's this slight problem, oceanography. I thought it would be interesting, I was wrong; the teacher is sweet, but how you would expect an elementry school teacher to be sweet. I'm looking for something that'll keep me awake, and interested, not third grade, so I'm switching out. I'll be in GEMS, it's the senior seminar course where we sit around ant talk about whatever in some sort of depth, depending on the group of students. GEMS is supposed to be intellectually stimulating, and that's what I'm looking for, and hopefully this time next week I'll be in.

This doesn't seem like a huge deal, and it's not, but by not taking the fourth science I'm giving up getting the "Advanced Studies Diploma." Everyone that I've told is less than pleased, and thinks I should stick it out, but I'm Amanda, I've made my decision, and this is how it's going to be. I won't be going to school in-state if I can help it, and out of state schools could care less as long as I fulfill their requirements.

Then there's all my plans. I've wanted to go on a road trip after senior year since I was in second grade, THIS HAS TO HAPPEN.

So my plans at this time in order are: study for the SAT; take SAT...again (hopfully I'll get a decent score this time, that is if studying actually helps, at this point I wouldn't know); get various teachers who love me, but are often dissappointed that I don't live up to my potential, to give me fabulous recommendations; write essays, lots and lots of well thought out and well written essays that demonstrate who I am; and of course fill out applications... All the while I'll be saving money, as much of it as possible (while still seeing as many shows as possible, of course, without shows I wouldn't have anything to look forward to, so i wouldn't have anything to get me through my week). Sometime between now and next June I also need to buy a shitty car, one that can get me across the country and back and then die. I'm also leaning towards being a nanny next summer, they get paid a fair amount, I'm good with kids, why not? And, if it were in the city where I'm going to school that'd be perfect. I'm putting an add up on Craigslist after my birthday (Nov. 3rd guys, I expect monsterous amounts of cards and balloons, of course a simple email would suffice, unless I always get you amazing present and you don't get me amazing presents, in this circumstance YOU OWE ME. BIG. )

This whole "high school experience" has served it's purpose, and that was over three years ago, I've come, I've seen, I need to leave. I'm not a typical high school student in that, a) all my teachers love me, unless of course I didn't like them first, b) it's not just teachers, I can carry on a conversation with anyone, adults more than kids, and c) I haven't had that group that seemingly the majority of the general population has in high school, I'm very much a wanderer, loner, whatever you want to call it, and the majority of my friends are already in college so I'm already use to there long-distance friendships.

You may be wondering why I'm so set on going far, far away. I have lived in this Place, my entire life. The same house. I've seen innumerable amounts of people come and go. For once in my life, even if it's just the four years that I'm in college, I'd like to be the new kid. The one that someone like me would do for someone new here, would see me, recognize me as a new kid, unfamiliar to the territory and show me around. I've always wanted to see it from the other side, and if I stay here for school, I will become like every other person her, and stay here forever not having seen anything, or really been anywhere. DC is a fabulous city, it's definately a huge part of me, and I do see myself coming back one day. But that day is far, far, away, and for now I need some new scenery. Hopefully that'll come in the form of Colorado, Arizona, or Oregon, and a city. I need a city, just not this one, not now, and certainly not for the next four years. Eightteen years is a long time to live anywhere no matter how old you are.

Monday, September 3, 2007


i'm a fan of charity; giving my leftovers to that lady that hangs out around the fountain in old town; donating to the salvation army; those sorts of things. but favors, favors do not sit well with amanda. unless she asks, don't do it. DO NOT DO IT! SHE WILL NOT APPRECIATE IT! (unless it's in the form of flowers, brownies, or a victoria secret gift card, but let's be honest those aren't favors they're presents and amanda loves presents)

the perks of still living at home are fabulous, free food, a car that is accessible on the weekends (unfortuneately not all the time), occasionally money (when my parents get tired of seeing my we are scientists shirt everyday), those sorts of things. but my paretns, they are capbale of irritating me like no other. like last night, my dad decided to clean all the windows, great i dea dad, but my desk is in front of my window, and dad, you didn't put anything back. this morning my mom felt the need to fold, and start putting away my laundry; dealing with my clothes is a HUGE no-no. i hate the thought of anyone washing, drying, and touching my clothes. this isn't because i'm afraid they'll get dirty, but because i'm OCD about things being done my way. if it's not my way, and it's dealing with my things, it's definately the wrong way. and of course my dad felt the need to laugh at how funny it is when amanda's irriated by coming in and nonchalantly saying, "i think i'll go mess around in amanda's closet." he is so sweet.

my room may not be the cleanest, but all my stuff is in it, and they can certainly find something else to do that doesn't concern me. like shopping, or dancing, or walking... anything so long as they're not in my room, or trying to read over my shoulder.

now, i get this from my mom. but she asks for things to be done, and expects them to be done her way and when they're not she gets mad. especially when we have people over. i hate having people over simply because my mom feels the need to act as though brad pitt and jennifer aniston are breaking up all over again. it usually involves her asking me to help with dinner, getting mad because i didn't make the potatoes correctly, asking me to vaccuum, getting upset because i did it too early so it's not perfect when the guests arrive, or something similar.

this is why my family visits in short spurts. very rarely longer than three days. after that time, we're done, we've seen you, you're alive, that's great, but i'm going nuts having you rearrange the stuff on the counter in the bathroom, in my desk drawer, moving the location of the silverware, etc. i'll see you later.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

sometimes it can't be fixed

today my mom came upstairs crying. this is never a good sign, and with seemingly everyone in my family's health steadily decreasing, i brace myself and prepare for the worst. in the past few years we've known several people that have died, and consequently i've come to expect certain people to die. it's bound to happen sooner rather than later in a lot of circumstances.

today my mom announced that my cousin's husband jeff committed suicide. i won't go into details other than he was in the hospital when it happened. Jeff, was one of those guy's guys. he liked hunting, and fourwheeling, wrestling with his dogs, those sorts of things. he lost his leg years ago in a work related accident, this handicap didn't keep him from doing much. he still went swimming, hiking, whatever, he did it.

you could talk to him with immense ease. i had no idea that this was coming, i knew they were having marital problems, but suicidal, that's a bit much.

what's worse is who he's left behind. his five year old son may have been able to deal with divorce, but knowing that your father committed suicide, not having your dad, well that 's completely different. he's destined to go through years of therapy, while death is always upsetting, i can't help but be a bit frustrated with jeff's actions.

i think everyone has shitty days, days where se can't seem to think of anything right, days when we feel like we're in a slump, permanately. sometimes this lasts days, week, months, maybe even years, but things always look up. even for one day, at least there was that day, and while shitty sucks, a day like that is worth sticking around for another. what if there isn't another? don't be ridiculous, there's always another, peaks and valleys exist, we're here to experience the ride.

i myself have thought about suicide. mostly while i'm driving. i'll think about what would happen if i sped up and drove against traffic, route one would be so easy. and then i think about all the people i'd be leaving behind, all the people that could potentially be injured in that situation if not killed and all the people they'd leave behind. suicide is selfish, possibly the most selfish action of them all. i believe in mental illness, but i also believe in treatment, and therapy, and outlets.

my mom was worried about his soul; where he's going. in the mormon faith, this action would basically mean hell. i don't think he's going to hell. and i don't think that god makes people suffer for all eternity for what they did on earth. i do believe however that the afterlife can be whatever we want it to be, and that our personality remains the same. if you're feeling guilty about something you did in this life in the afterlife, then you'll feel that guilt, but not forever, and one can only hope that the next life is better than this one. hope is the essance of life, without it there's nothing. i suppose jeff lost all hope. hope keeps us going. i hope that those he left behind can keep it.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

top reasons why college sucks - spencer

spencer and i are an unlikely pair. we first met three, maybe four years ago because his brother was (still is) dating my friend linda. I, being the fourteen year old girl that i was, was more than smitten with spencer's good looks and his personality wasn't so bad either. this was of course at a mormon camp of sorts and i wasn't the only girl with my eye on him. a short, smiley, curley haired girl i'll call chipmunk, was also interested. she is chipmunk because if reincarnation is real, she'll surely come back as one. those three days were spent with he and i flirtatiously speaking to eachother in french and making googley eyes across the gym. we ended up exchanging email's and emailing eachother for about a few months after that. it was all very cute.

so from there we became a couple. we'd go to church dances for the most part, neither one of us could drive at the time, so that was about as good as it got. emails, long phone conversations every night, and on the weekends if we were lucky someone would be nice enough to drive us somewhere, usually a place that was largely inhabited by mormons. we had our first kiss on the dancefloor (during the song "a moment like this," spencer doesn't remember this, and we didn't like that being our song so we changed it to "yellow" which is still one of my all time favorites) where a chaperone quickley told us that we need to not dance so close together.

from there we broke up shortly before christmas, but because i was still friends with linda and his brother, i would still see him. this was very awkward, for a while, and neither of us were very good a communicating in a rational matter what we were upset about. we had an argument. shirley asked us both to be in her quiencinera (?) where we made up and our friendship was reborn (after he apologized for being a jerk and i continued to act like a bitch).

we have since disapproved/disliked most of the people the other has dated, and dated eachother more, and then decided that we're better off as good friends. which is true. he's my boy and i'm his girl. i am still more than slightly irritated by the mentioning of chipmunk.

he and i would not be friends if we were to have met for the first time yesterday; mostly because i come off as ditzy bitch the first time you meet me, and he's quiet and reserved or an asshole.

he took me to my first show at the blackcat (the new amsterdams), now my favorite place to be. he introduced me to the postal service, and so many other things.

(here's the sad part, brace yourself)

he leaves for smarties-ago-go land on saturday, (for those of you who haven't read the georgia nicholson series that would be UVA) and today was our last time together before he leaves. we went to ihop and hung out a my house for a bit. it was awkward, but we pretended it wasn't and we talked about how much we mean to eachother, etc. but when i came back in after walking him to his car, the tears started coming.

i know he's only a couple hours away, and we'll talk weekly, but my boy's all grown up now, and i'm still here; and next year i'll hopefully be at a school out of state and far away. this is the end of an era, one i'll reminisce about for the rest of my life. not high school, but that boy who meant (means) so much to me.

Friday, August 17, 2007

top reasons why college sucks - Christina

Saying goodbye isn't easy for me, so these next few posts'll be somewhat melancholy.

1. christina is leaving
2. spencer is leaving
3. i'm not going this year

Last night Christina and I visited one of our favorite places La Madeline's in Old Town (nt. whenever I refer to old town, you can assume alexandria, i get lost in manassas, and occoquan closes at five). I first went there with Spencer and company a couple years ago. Wow, that's strange sounding, "a couple years ago," I'm getting old.

Well Christina is a french fanatic and plans on becoming an expatriot, but she won't be joining Hemingway and Fitzgerald, no she'll be doing crazy smart people things aka economics, that I will never have a clue about. But because of her love for french things I took her to la Mad's and we try to get up there as often as possible.

Last night was different though. It's usually quiet, last night it was far from that; it wasn't quiet at all. Almost in the same moment we sat down some strange man started yelling at the manager, it was quite the scene. He was tall and scruffy, very homeless-veteren looking (the camo gave him away). I have no idea what was upseeting him, he didn't say, but his language was harsh to little ears, including those of the little kids sitting behind us with their parents, they went on eating as though nothing was happening. So strange. He left after about five minutes of this and hopped on his bike giving us dirty looks through the window as he rode away.

And if that wasn't enough, there's a new girl working there. A very loud and somewhat obnoxious girl. We were used to the quiet Ethiopians who would ask us if we knew french and then laugh at us as we tried to speak with them, I guess I should say that they laughed at me, Christina has always spoken better than me, she's almost fluent. But last night this girl who was talking to everybody as they ate would not shut up. This would have been nice if we were the lonely brokenhearted types she seemed to be talking to, mainly an older woman who had terrible teeth. I can't stand bad teeth, and would have had a very hard time talking to this woman, so I can admire the loud girl's friendly nature, even if her volume could be turned down a notch. Watching her and the older woman interact was sweet, but Christina was more than annoyed and we left shortly. The difference was too much to take when we were looking for a familiar place to say goodbye.

I didn't cry last night, but I wanted to, and by God, I made myself promise to wait 'til Saturday. The difference to me, because I overanalyze everything, seemed to be one of those fatefilled events that seem so obscure there's no other way to explain them, but clearly they're foreshadowing something to happen later. Often something that is just as much plan as fate. We've know this would happen since we were five. Even though people mistake her as my little sister, and we never seem to think of the age difference, but this was it. There aren't anymore summers together, anymore late nights at the Graff's house, no more lame church dances our parents make us go to-but it's okay 'cause at least we'd be able to complain together. In retrospect it's because of all those awful activities that we are so close. Youth group each week, seminary everymorning, sunday school, those were our times to catch up on the latest, bitch about whatever was bothering us. And she's not going to be there anymore, and I'm going to suffer through one last year without her here.

I know we'll stay in touch, and I know we'll see eachother again, but things like this never go back to how they once were. And those are the things I'm going to miss.

The Graff's house, our home away from home, where we could almost always count on the backdoor or garage being left open, where we were welcome at all hours, Elizabeth and I will still go, but even last night without Christina was different. We're a three piece puzzle and we're losing a piece. The "good influence" or so she's been told, and we're doomed to go astray without her, but thank God that was never her at all, she's the Mormon girl we can complain to without a lecture in return, or being told to go pray about it (Lord knows we pray all the time) or make an appointment with the bishop (her dad). She's our Chris-tin-AH! and tomorrow we're losing a piece.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

This thing

So, after much thought and Mr. Brann growing tired of my e-mails filling up his inbox, I decided to start this thing. A blogspot. A weblog. A blog.

This will mostly chronicle the life of a teenage girl who's on her way to graduation and hopfully a college far far away from the depths of suburbia.

I suppose I should introduce myself; I am a dog person, cat piss smells awful. I like the colors green and yellow, and I love polkadots. I live in jeans and band-tee's, but I'm working on it. And I don't have the hang of this thing yet, so this will all probably be in my "about me" section soon.

One day I plan on being a recluse in New Zealand and writing under a badass pen-name.