Monday, March 23, 2009

For those that don't feel it deep enough.

Before I meet someone, I assume that they are going to suck at life. This makes it much easier when they do, because I didn't get my hopes up. I like to avoid getting my hopes up about anyone and have yet to meet anyone where it would have been justified. BUT! I do always give them the benefit of a doubt. I always remember that first impression, but usually give people a second chance that involves a lengthy conversation where we can relay a couple of stories bwtween the two of us. It can't be a group, it must be one on one because I don't think people get an idea of who I really am in group situtaions. It's only after this that I feel I can make an accurate judgment of someone.

At this stage people are thrown into various categories, usually the acquaintance category. I do however do my best to be a friend to these people. Whether they define our relationship as a friendship is up to them. If someone makes it to the friend range, I assume that they are going to be around for awhile. Friends are worth fighting for, after all.

My friends have seen me cry, laugh, talked with me about poop, know about my family - where they live, what they do, how I communicate with them - and most importantly have been allowed to hear me read something from my journals. Blogs don't count, these are superficial, and very rarely mean much. Though I am capable of being very cathartic in which case everything will be written in code.

My best friend and I have been best friends since we were 4/5. Since then I've accumulated other friends, and lost others, but each one has endured the crazy that is Amanda Jewell Pittman, and each one is aware of how much I care about them. And for those that are no longer a part of my life, they may as well have died. I don't mean that in a bitter way, I mean that when we "broke up" if you will, I mourned the death of that relationship.

So, that being said, I've started to realize how disposable people are to others. I don't understand this at all. Once someone has become a part of my life, that's it. I'll do everything for that person, and it may be incessant and obnoxious, but it's only because I care. The idea of writing someone out of my life forever is almost incomprehensible. Even if I never talk to them again, I still hope for the best on their behalf. I am incapable of not caring. And for people to tell me that if someone pisses them off enough they'll never talk to them again is bizarre. It seems to me that if you're capable of doing that then it must not have meant much in the first place. And for these people, I am sorry, because if someone if you're friend, I would assume that you love them, and that is certainly something worth fighting for.

Say what you will about my being nineteen, immature, irrational, naive, inexperienced, etc. But you haven't seen me cry, and if you have then you haven't read my journal, and if you have then you must emotionally detached, which is common these days. I am sorry for your loss.

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