I originally wrote this for BYT, but they wouldn't post it because it may give the appearance that they encourage underage drinking, even though I wrote it as a joke...kind of.
How to Drink Underage in DC
1. Be a cute girl – I’m sorry fellows, but this is just one area where being a girl really pays off.
2. Chop off all your hair – all those long locks you once sported and couldn’t bare to get rid of, do in fact make you look like a freshman in high-school. Sure they’re “pretty” but nothing screams I’m underage like someone who has hair that is reminiscent of any character from The O.C. That means you boys with shaggy hair, too.
3. Pretend that you have a great job or are in grad-school – So, I fudge a little bit, I do have a “real” job, and if I really needed to live off of it, I could, but in certain circumstances it’s very important to have a good story. “I’m in attending law school at GW” or “I’m a copy-editor at Congressional Quarterly” are both good lines, just don’t use them. Everyone knows you’re lying.
4. Buy some new clothes – that A&F t-shirt isn’t fooling anyone. You’ve got to explore the other end of the mall, that means places that are usually reserved for “old people” like Banana Republic and J.Crew, though if you have a lot of money please try Nordstrom’s, and if you don’t no one will know that you got your Seven jeans at Marshall’s. You’re probably thinking that you already have great fashion sense and that your Cheap Monday’s fit the bill, but you don’t want to look like a hipster – you are underage, trying to dress like a hipster will put you in the poser/scenester category and you will fail miserably. Finding the happy medium between rich-kid-in-suburbia and trying-too-hard can be difficult, but I promise, it can be done. If you are a girl, having a really nice rack will always come in handy, so buy the water bra, you might need it.
5. Trick an older man/woman into dating you – when you’re out the bartenders and wait-staff will think you’re older, or think that whoever you’re with is a pedophile.
6. Know where to go – you can’t get served just anywhere. Chad America (at The Black Cat, if you didn’t know) knows that you’re not old enough, so don’t try him. Instead just go to any European themed restaurant before you go out. (Of course I’m assuming that you can keep it together long enough to get past the bouncer at your favorite venue.)
*None of this will work if you cannot keep it together. Everyone hates belligerent kids. Don’t be one.
** These things don't work as well in Richmond. Well, number one does, if you know where the creepy, foreign, non-law-abiding men work.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Slackertastic!
I am an indignant, self-righteous, hypocritic, self-indulgent, know-it-all, snobby bitch. I know this. And so do you. But if you're reading this, and you've met me, you also know that I am capable of being sweet, kind, compassionate, etc. And if you've known me for more than a week, you know that I am the biggest slacker of all time.
My sixth grade science teacher was the first to call me a slacker when I started turning things in late. Since then I have been called a slacker by just about every teacher that I developed a personal relationship with, so every English teacher and about half of the others. I don't know exactly what happened, but as much as I enjoy learning, I just can't seem to fake interest in things that are "required." You will notice that I was not interested in most of high school if you were to look at my transcript.
This semester I am on "academic warning", it's pre-academic probation and it means that I didn't do shit last semester. As a result I have to attend required tutoring, meet weekly with my advisor and all sorts of fun things like that. This surpises people. I'm not sure why, I mean, I like to read, but I don't think anyone except for maybe my roommate that one time has seen me touch a textbook, let alone open it. And if it wasn't at all evident in my older posts (see September/October 2008) that I was manically depressed last semester, I was, and it was awful.
I'm better now - ish. And today I got my first essay of the semster back and I got an A. Thank you very much.
It seems that I am capable of exerting some potential in areas that do not particularly interest me and because I know what's good fore me, I'll continue to do so - and be very bitter and tired while doing it.
My sixth grade science teacher was the first to call me a slacker when I started turning things in late. Since then I have been called a slacker by just about every teacher that I developed a personal relationship with, so every English teacher and about half of the others. I don't know exactly what happened, but as much as I enjoy learning, I just can't seem to fake interest in things that are "required." You will notice that I was not interested in most of high school if you were to look at my transcript.
This semester I am on "academic warning", it's pre-academic probation and it means that I didn't do shit last semester. As a result I have to attend required tutoring, meet weekly with my advisor and all sorts of fun things like that. This surpises people. I'm not sure why, I mean, I like to read, but I don't think anyone except for maybe my roommate that one time has seen me touch a textbook, let alone open it. And if it wasn't at all evident in my older posts (see September/October 2008) that I was manically depressed last semester, I was, and it was awful.
I'm better now - ish. And today I got my first essay of the semster back and I got an A. Thank you very much.
It seems that I am capable of exerting some potential in areas that do not particularly interest me and because I know what's good fore me, I'll continue to do so - and be very bitter and tired while doing it.
BOO!
There has been a "preacher" on the Compass for the past couple of days. I'm used to the Evangelists coming to campus, passing stuff out, standing somewhere with their megaphone and telling me and everyone within a fifty-foot radius that we need to repent, but this guy is different. He not only goes on about how we need to be repentant, but he also goes off about how evil everyone else is. He literally said that we're spawn of the devil and unless we repent we're going to hell.
Now, boys and girls, I am by no means religious, but I do like to know what I'm talking about and respect everyone's right to worship, who, how, and what they please. I have read the Bible (GASP!) and I know for a fact that it does not say that we are spawn from the devil. I get irritated when I hear people that are so ignorant. I mean fine, you think I'm going to hell because I don't go around yelling at people to repent, but if you're going to yell at me please know what you're yelling about. And if you want me to stop and listen, please know that yelling is not the way to go about getting anything accomplished ever.
Monday he spent all day going on a tirade about how evil homosexuals are. I still do not understand this. I mean sure, the Bible does talk about how sodomy is wrong, but it does not explicitly say that having those feelings are wrong. It says that acting on those feelings is wrong. There is a huge difference. And besides there are so many twisted, ridiculous things in the Old Testament, it amazes me that anyone can go through and pick out one thing that they find particularly sinful and ignore the rest. And I find it infuriating that Evangelicals have decided that it's okay for them to condemn others to hell while contradicting everything they claim they believe, claim that they live, by doing so.
Yesterday there were some Mormon missionaries also at the compass. They were standing on the opposite side talking with a small group of students while the preacher was going on about how evil they were. At one point saying that Joseph Smith worshiped the devil and that Mormons are racist. There were also cops standing to the side, I suppose making sure that nothing got out of hand.
I went up to missionaries and asked why the cops were there and if anything had happened. They said no, and introduced themselves. I apologized for them having to hear all that stuff, and one invited me to come to church on Sunday. Cute.
I make a point of not mentioning my upbringing to people, especially if I know someone is Mormon. I can't stand knowing that in their head they're trying to figure out how, or hoping that I'll "come back to the fold." And while I have my reasons for not going to church anymore, and all sorts of problems with organized religion, I can't stand seeing anyone patronize another's beliefs. And as much as I feel silly believing in God and Jesus, it's something that I can't shake. It seems that people do compare it to beliving in Santa and the toothfairy, and I understand that, I do. It's just that I've never wanted proof. I suppose if I did expect for something big, I wouldn't believe either, and I understand why the majority of the people that I know and associate with don't believe. And that's fine, but it's something that I prefer to not talk about.
Religion and belief systems are so personal and everyone is so affected by them, I just feel it's better to only share when asked. Nothing turns me off like someone trying to convince me to think like they do. Beliefs are simply that, they don't need proof, they aren't based on knowledge, they're feelings that you or I are comfortable with. And as far as I'm concerned, as long as we're all trying to be the best we can, none of that other stuff really matters.
Now, boys and girls, I am by no means religious, but I do like to know what I'm talking about and respect everyone's right to worship, who, how, and what they please. I have read the Bible (GASP!) and I know for a fact that it does not say that we are spawn from the devil. I get irritated when I hear people that are so ignorant. I mean fine, you think I'm going to hell because I don't go around yelling at people to repent, but if you're going to yell at me please know what you're yelling about. And if you want me to stop and listen, please know that yelling is not the way to go about getting anything accomplished ever.
Monday he spent all day going on a tirade about how evil homosexuals are. I still do not understand this. I mean sure, the Bible does talk about how sodomy is wrong, but it does not explicitly say that having those feelings are wrong. It says that acting on those feelings is wrong. There is a huge difference. And besides there are so many twisted, ridiculous things in the Old Testament, it amazes me that anyone can go through and pick out one thing that they find particularly sinful and ignore the rest. And I find it infuriating that Evangelicals have decided that it's okay for them to condemn others to hell while contradicting everything they claim they believe, claim that they live, by doing so.
Yesterday there were some Mormon missionaries also at the compass. They were standing on the opposite side talking with a small group of students while the preacher was going on about how evil they were. At one point saying that Joseph Smith worshiped the devil and that Mormons are racist. There were also cops standing to the side, I suppose making sure that nothing got out of hand.
I went up to missionaries and asked why the cops were there and if anything had happened. They said no, and introduced themselves. I apologized for them having to hear all that stuff, and one invited me to come to church on Sunday. Cute.
I make a point of not mentioning my upbringing to people, especially if I know someone is Mormon. I can't stand knowing that in their head they're trying to figure out how, or hoping that I'll "come back to the fold." And while I have my reasons for not going to church anymore, and all sorts of problems with organized religion, I can't stand seeing anyone patronize another's beliefs. And as much as I feel silly believing in God and Jesus, it's something that I can't shake. It seems that people do compare it to beliving in Santa and the toothfairy, and I understand that, I do. It's just that I've never wanted proof. I suppose if I did expect for something big, I wouldn't believe either, and I understand why the majority of the people that I know and associate with don't believe. And that's fine, but it's something that I prefer to not talk about.
Religion and belief systems are so personal and everyone is so affected by them, I just feel it's better to only share when asked. Nothing turns me off like someone trying to convince me to think like they do. Beliefs are simply that, they don't need proof, they aren't based on knowledge, they're feelings that you or I are comfortable with. And as far as I'm concerned, as long as we're all trying to be the best we can, none of that other stuff really matters.
Friday, February 20, 2009
It's really not that hard
I work next to 3 Monkeys, a local bar/sports-bar/bro-hangout. I do not particularly like the place, but it isn't expensive and it's convenient, so I order from there quite a bit. I usually get a pineapple pizza (they're small and I can usually make it last two or three meals) or a salad. Nothing too complicated. Though they don't have a "pineapple pizza" listed on their menu, instead it's a "monkey pie" with ham. I always specify that I do not want ham, only pineapple. Again, not complicated.
Usually we call and the wait is about fifteen minutes. So, we wait, pick up our food, eat - the end. Today my coworker and I ordered desserts - mousse and a brownie sundae. Over the phone they told us that it would be about ten minutes. That was fine, until I got there and waited twenty more.
The waitress that was "helping" me is tall, slim, has long dark hair and is quite a bit older than the rest of the girls that work there. She always manages to screw up my order. She can't manage to remember that it's only pineapple, and will give me ham, or there won't be any toppings, or there will just be ham, or it will be completely wrong all together. Tonight, she just made me wait. I am a very impatient person, and could have gone to Kroger's and bought a half-gallon of ice cream and a pan of brownies in the time that it took for her to scoop it into a styrofoam container. When I paid she asked if I needed change, and I of course told her yes. Then when I finally got my order, said thank you and started to turn around, she grasped the box and kind of squatted down as to be on my level and forcefully said, "You're. Welcome." Needless to say, I did not tip her, surprisingly for the first time.
I'm fairly certain that she complained about how rude I was after I left, but I don't feel bad. She sucks. The other customers suck, and all the waitresses are skinny-fat chicks who put out, a lot. It's the type of place that people who actually like Georgetown would go and be like "Oh, this isn't bad. TWO DOLLAR MILLER LITE! Hell yes!"
Usually we call and the wait is about fifteen minutes. So, we wait, pick up our food, eat - the end. Today my coworker and I ordered desserts - mousse and a brownie sundae. Over the phone they told us that it would be about ten minutes. That was fine, until I got there and waited twenty more.
The waitress that was "helping" me is tall, slim, has long dark hair and is quite a bit older than the rest of the girls that work there. She always manages to screw up my order. She can't manage to remember that it's only pineapple, and will give me ham, or there won't be any toppings, or there will just be ham, or it will be completely wrong all together. Tonight, she just made me wait. I am a very impatient person, and could have gone to Kroger's and bought a half-gallon of ice cream and a pan of brownies in the time that it took for her to scoop it into a styrofoam container. When I paid she asked if I needed change, and I of course told her yes. Then when I finally got my order, said thank you and started to turn around, she grasped the box and kind of squatted down as to be on my level and forcefully said, "You're. Welcome." Needless to say, I did not tip her, surprisingly for the first time.
I'm fairly certain that she complained about how rude I was after I left, but I don't feel bad. She sucks. The other customers suck, and all the waitresses are skinny-fat chicks who put out, a lot. It's the type of place that people who actually like Georgetown would go and be like "Oh, this isn't bad. TWO DOLLAR MILLER LITE! Hell yes!"
fattymcfattyfatfat
Yesterday I ate the following:
Breakfast: waffles, yogurt, milk
Lunch: instant stove top stuffing
Snack(ish): reese's peanut butter cups, snackwell's vanilla cookies
Dinner: a salad because I was attempting to eat something healthy, and onion rings because they seemed healthier than french fries, were cheap, and I wanted more than just a salad.
Snack(ish): chips and guacamole from Chipotle and KRISPY KREME (because they are right next to each other)
Gross, right? And to make it worse I had two, TWO! five-hour energy drinks to keep me up so I could read for class - Hi, Mr. Galligan!
I got two hours of sleep and still feel disgusting. I'm going to have to do some sort of detox. I can literally feel my body's organs being coated in a layer of fat.
Today has been a little bit better, but I'm probably not going to get much sleep tonight either, or tomorrow night, but Sunday, SUNDAY! is going to be wonderful. There will be a bubble bath and maybe candles, and hot chocolate, and lots of cranberry juice.
Breakfast: waffles, yogurt, milk
Lunch: instant stove top stuffing
Snack(ish): reese's peanut butter cups, snackwell's vanilla cookies
Dinner: a salad because I was attempting to eat something healthy, and onion rings because they seemed healthier than french fries, were cheap, and I wanted more than just a salad.
Snack(ish): chips and guacamole from Chipotle and KRISPY KREME (because they are right next to each other)
Gross, right? And to make it worse I had two, TWO! five-hour energy drinks to keep me up so I could read for class - Hi, Mr. Galligan!
I got two hours of sleep and still feel disgusting. I'm going to have to do some sort of detox. I can literally feel my body's organs being coated in a layer of fat.
Today has been a little bit better, but I'm probably not going to get much sleep tonight either, or tomorrow night, but Sunday, SUNDAY! is going to be wonderful. There will be a bubble bath and maybe candles, and hot chocolate, and lots of cranberry juice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)