Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Cranberry Juice and delicious.

I originally wrote this for BYT, but they wouldn't post it because it may give the appearance that they encourage underage drinking, even though I wrote it as a joke...kind of.

How to Drink Underage in DC

1. Be a cute girl – I’m sorry fellows, but this is just one area where being a girl really pays off.

2. Chop off all your hair – all those long locks you once sported and couldn’t bare to get rid of, do in fact make you look like a freshman in high-school. Sure they’re “pretty” but nothing screams I’m underage like someone who has hair that is reminiscent of any character from The O.C. That means you boys with shaggy hair, too.

3. Pretend that you have a great job or are in grad-school – So, I fudge a little bit, I do have a “real” job, and if I really needed to live off of it, I could, but in certain circumstances it’s very important to have a good story. “I’m in attending law school at GW” or “I’m a copy-editor at Congressional Quarterly” are both good lines, just don’t use them. Everyone knows you’re lying.

4. Buy some new clothes – that A&F t-shirt isn’t fooling anyone. You’ve got to explore the other end of the mall, that means places that are usually reserved for “old people” like Banana Republic and J.Crew, though if you have a lot of money please try Nordstrom’s, and if you don’t no one will know that you got your Seven jeans at Marshall’s. You’re probably thinking that you already have great fashion sense and that your Cheap Monday’s fit the bill, but you don’t want to look like a hipster – you are underage, trying to dress like a hipster will put you in the poser/scenester category and you will fail miserably. Finding the happy medium between rich-kid-in-suburbia and trying-too-hard can be difficult, but I promise, it can be done. If you are a girl, having a really nice rack will always come in handy, so buy the water bra, you might need it.

5. Trick an older man/woman into dating you – when you’re out the bartenders and wait-staff will think you’re older, or think that whoever you’re with is a pedophile.

6. Know where to go – you can’t get served just anywhere. Chad America (at The Black Cat, if you didn’t know) knows that you’re not old enough, so don’t try him. Instead just go to any European themed restaurant before you go out. (Of course I’m assuming that you can keep it together long enough to get past the bouncer at your favorite venue.)

*None of this will work if you cannot keep it together. Everyone hates belligerent kids. Don’t be one.

** These things don't work as well in Richmond. Well, number one does, if you know where the creepy, foreign, non-law-abiding men work.

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